I hate the fact that I'm writing again. Not that I hate writing but because when I write something like this, I know I am not okay. This is not the first time that I will write something about our you, our friendship exactly, and probably this is not the last. I guess just like before, I cannot contain it anymore, I feel like there is raging storm inside me and again, I have to let this all out.
Before anything else, I just want you to know that you are a good friend and a good person. I wouldn't choose to stay by your side if you are not. I always look up to you as a person, how organized you are with your things and how creative you are with your writings and drawings. And I want to thank you for all the things that you have done for me. All those adjustments and patience for my crazy personality and most of all for being a friend, since then.
I always smile whenever I reminisce our bonding. We used to be really close with each other. We treat each other more than friends, like sisters in fact. We tell each other random things and we never run out of stories even if we are always together. We used to have our spontaneous sing-along and I would always know your favorite song at a certain time because you will play it and sang it over and over again until I already memorize it. Crazy right. We also used to eat dinner together not minding how late it is to come home. We also used to shop together whenever I have to attend a formal event, you were my stylist and also my make up artist once. We used to be friends. We used to.
I thought this is it. After our numerous fights before we finally worked out our differences and this friendship is gonna last a lifetime, but I guess I was wrong. As what Heraclitus said, "The only permanent thing in this world is change", maybe that is what happened to me, to us. Our relationship with some people who are very close to us (inevitably) changes. Just like our friendship which had faded away. Maybe it is me, who grew tired with each other and let all those happy memories fade.
Things are different now, we both knew this is a fact. We are not talking to each other anymore. There is this barrier between us, which I guess is pride (only applies to me). I appreciate that you tried to talk to me before to settle things but I wasn't ready that time to face you because I am still clouded up with problems that time and I honestly don't know what's wrong, all that I know is something's wrong but I couldn't pinpoint what. Slowly, I drifted away without a word, without good bye. Sorry for leaving you and some of our closest friends. Sorry for leaving you without a sound explanation, I know you deserve one but maybe I really don't have a good reason to give you. The only thing I know is I'm tired- of us. I feel like I'm losing myself, my identity, when I'm with you. There are things that I want to do but I can't because I feel like doing such things will not make you feel good. You decide things for me, maybe because you care so much that you don't want me to make mistakes or be hurt, but you should not take over my life. I have to learn and do things at my own will. And I chose freedom over you. Yes, I know this is absurd but still.
I chose to leave you and not to fix this because some things are better left broken. Sometimes insisting to fix broken things would just shatter it more to pieces because both of us are still not ready. This may sound absurd or what but I don't regret my decision. I found no guilt within. Yes, there is pain and attachment but there is glimpse of happiness for my freedom. You still have a special place in me, I guess it is not easy to top you for that spot. I miss you. I wish you all the best in life because you deserve it and may you find a happiness from within.
Your Ex-Friend
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